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Perfect in a Fucked up way
Friday, August 06, 2004
      ( 12:45 AM ) G.  
i need to type. badly. i just got a call from my best friend. he had sex with a guy who was positive. he didnt use a condom. he gets tested tomorrow. i knew id get this call. ive lectured and preached about being safe to him and i still knew id get that call. ive tried calling him all week because i knew something was wrong. i knew it when he called tonight what it was about. for all the flashes of insite i get youd think just once id get one before hand so i could actually do something about it. i know its not my fault and i know i could have done nothing to stop this, hes a big boy, its his life. but i think im going to kill him. its not like there isnt enough information about it out there. jesus christ condoms are free at any clinic you go to. i need to stop crying. hes just been my best friend forever and figured he always would be. im just not ok with the possibility of forever having an expiration date.

Friday, July 09, 2004
      ( 12:38 AM ) G.  
blow out another candle
smile and say im alright
forget the pain till im alone
happy birthday to me im just fine

try not to think about
where i wanted to be a year ago
make a wish to be somewhere else
happy birthday to me im just fine

turn off the lights
and say goodnight
before the tears start to fall
happy birthday to me im just fine #

      ( 12:06 AM ) G.  

im old. #

Monday, June 28, 2004
      ( 11:35 PM ) G.  
why is it when i get one area of my life sorted out the other parts go to shit?

so it seems im losing my job. oh, excuse me, im being 'phased out'. nice way of saying 'fuck off, youve been replaced by someone with the IQ of trout and no experience but will work for half your pay, tata, dont let the door hit you in the ass on the way out'.

obviously, im a tad bit upset.

but its not only me getting singled out, theres a group of us. i feel my anger is vindicated now that i know im not just being paranoid and think im getting singled out.

as it stands, im getting no hours aside from filling in at a moments notice because one of the lower paid monkeys couldnt make it. they want me to quit. quitting means no unemployment, no possible lawsuit grievences.

im not going to quit.

if they want me gone, their going to have to grow some fucking balls and fire me. i aint leaving. i have enough saved up and enough shit i can sell off to pay bills that i can play their game a good fucking long time.

the job itself isnt worth fighting for. my principles, my ideals are. i put in my time. i did my unpaid training. i did my weekends with no overtime pay. i never said no to a god damn thing they wanted me to do.

i deserve more than a group email with a couple of nice sentences covering up the crap their really saying.

i will not go quietly into the dark night. i will not smile and say your the boss when she drives the knife a little deeper into my back.

they want to play, we'll play. #

Wednesday, June 16, 2004
      ( 1:53 PM ) G.  
its official. i truly hate my job. their switching things around and now instead of an hourly wage, i'll be getting paid per edit. lovely. sounds great in theory, but ive had edits that take 40+ minutes. thats nearly an hours worth of work right there. theres only one pay range higher than me and i wont get that unless i start speaking spanish, im pissed as hell about getting the same ammount as some idiot who gets hired off the street. ive worked there two fucking years this time, then add in the other times i worked there..., as for senority, im top 5. im cross trained to do every job there, thats why i make more. i fucking earned it. and they drill into you quality over quantity. how great of quality do they really think their going to get if you get more the quicker you can do them. quality goes right out the door when the emphasis is on quantity.

this blows, im pissed, im going driving. #

Tuesday, June 15, 2004
      ( 3:42 PM ) G.  
ever had a moment when you realize your about 80 IQ points higher than the rest of your co-workers combined? #

Thursday, June 10, 2004
      ( 10:33 PM ) G.  
my dad didnt go on strike. thank god, i dont think my gig as an avon lady was going to cover the bills. all jokes aside, im relived. now maybe dad will calm down and not be such a bitch to live with.

finally got my bed put back together. no head or footboard, but the frame is up with the mattresses on it. no more sleeping on a matress on the floor pseudo monk thing for me. yes, i moved it by myself. yes, i'll be whining about how bad i hurt tomorrow.

im beat. i should go take a bath sense i didnt have time to take one this morning. or i should sleep. it sounds like a good plan, but i know i'll do neither. i'll clean or write till im completely exhusted then i'll lay in bed and stare at the clock till sleep, and nightmares, come to get me.

god i need a vacation. #

Wednesday, June 09, 2004
      ( 11:23 PM ) G.  
so....im bored, i'll post.

i went and bought sheets tonight. i didnt need to spend the money but 20 bucks for queen size sheets is way to good to pass up, plus i needed to replace the red ones.

tomorrow i need to be up way to early to work half a shift, then drive to jimmys, then get home in time to work the rest of my shift. i'll be dead soon if i keep doing this. why ive decieded that i dont need sleep is beyond me.

the big vote is tomorrow on weather or not dad will go on strike. suffice to say its not fun around here.

and i need to go to bed. #


i could be happy in a better life

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